I Live

Hello friends and other interested parties. My name is Ekaterina. I was born in Russia during the year of dragon (according to the Chinese wisdom), month of cancer (according to astrology). Currently we are in the year of the rat, characterised by the global Corona pandemic, which gives a message: start taking care of the rats instead of chasing them, and I hope that the humanity will arrive to this conclusion, since all animals are sacred.

 I have the tendency to think in mystical terms, you see.

Officially it was still a year of stagnation of the old Soviet Union, but I can confirm from lived experience, that I was born in a beautiful land: RUSSIA.

I was a seeker from the moment I was born. I was lying in my cot and always observing, seeing magic everywhere that no one else could see. At the age of three, just to give you a good example, I saw the devil for the first time, staring at me from the window. I wasn’t really scared, just little bit surprised, and his view was magnificent: right how he is usually described in scary books and movies. A monster, but a gorgeous one. I remember my parents telling me that it was all my imagination, but when I saw the devil for the first time, I said to myself: he is real, and what you see, is real too.

My own story of beauty and the beast continued all my life: you can read about my encounters with the devil on my blog: http://www.russianpatient.com, as well as about my diagnosis of ‘bipolar’, inflicted on me when I was 27. But if ‘bipolar’ is what I am, then I was blessed with this condition since the moment I was born. I had a vivid imagination, always wanting to connect with the sky. I remember walking to school, and looking up. What is there, I kept on asking myself? Surely, there is more to our reality, than what is presented as the absolute objective truth?

Officially my diagnosis came after my second ‘psychosis’. Apparently the psychiatry has a script to follow: if you are ‘psychotic’ more than once, then a diagnosis of ‘bipolar’ or ‘schizophrenia’ is assigned to the already distressed patient. Personally, I prefer ‘schizophrenia’ as diagnosis as it’s the one that gives psychiatry any legitimacy: that’s the one they will never understand and they shouldn’t. My second psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis of ‘schizophrenia’ at first but later on it was changed to ‘bipolar’. I found the debate about my diagnoses both interesting and draining, Especially, that what they define as ‘psychosis’ is a beautiful experience on my part.

I see angels, I talk with God. I meet with the devil, each time he appears in a different form. I have strong, powerful visions, I am your modern shaman. I communicate with birds, and other animals, but I am, definitely a cat queen, and the master of seagulls. I lucid-dream very often, where I sometimes become a fairy and try to make this world a better place. That’s what bothers me the most each day: how to make out of this earth a paradise, instead of misery we see everywhere, such as wars, September Eleven, fight among the religions, poverty, hunger, distressed children. How? How, indeed, to make it all again beautiful, equal for everyone and unique? How to transform the planet earth into a place of beautiful magic, so that Jesus, when he returns, can walk here in peace and glory?

The above statements are defined by the psychiatry as ‘delusional thinking’, if you are interested to know.

After receiving my diagnosis, I noticed a peculiar thing. There is a terrible stigma attached to the condition. Depression appears to be accepted now, but don’t you dare to be little bit ‘schizo’, such as ‘bipolar’, ‘having schizophrenia’, or god bless, ‘personality disorder’. It seems to me (that’s paranoia speaking) that the psychiatry does it on purpose. They say they are trying to ‘help’ you, but if you read the definitions attached to the above psychiatric conditions, then you will notice, a contradiction. It can’t be helped. It’s written, that it’s chronic. It’s written that it is life threatening. It is written that people with such ‘conditions’ lead a miserable life and die earlier.

It is simply depressing, and awfully sad. Why is it such a ‘crime’ to dance naked under the stars, communicate with nature, and see angels? Why are we punished with diagnoses, and then punished even more when we refuse to accept the medical model of looking at humans experiences? You might risk being accused as a non-compliant, or as a scientologist, as I was at some point, which made me, obviously, curious about the scientology, not that I even know how to join it and become a member. A couple of scientologists I met, were very nice people, though.

Why is it such a ‘crime’ to explore alternative realities, and look for something beyond our totally medicalized society? In some cultures, one would be revered instead and, not locked away. To change our current status quo would entail fighting with big companies and psychiatry as an institution, and a few individuals who see beyond the rule of Big pharma and psychiatry as an institution to control human behaviour, have little chance to success. But I do hope, it will change one day, and or that at least, I, in my personal life, will be able to exit the narrative.

In my own personal life, I achieved lots of beautiful things, with the label of ‘bipolar’ hanging behind my back. I have one bachelor diploma, two master degrees, with one of them being executive (recognised as MBA), a PhD in philosophy, and fluent, excellent knowledge of four languages: Russian, French, English and Dutch. I lived in 4 countries, in two of them twice, worked in finances as an analyst and portfolio manager in Amsterdam, as an interpreter and headhunter in Brussels, as a university teacher in Belgium, The United Kingdom and The Netherlands. I am also a mother, where I try to be at my absolute best, since my son is my biggest achievement, my greatest joy.

Dealing with stigma around the diagnoses is a terrible thing. You are constantly moving with a scarlet letter attached to your back. In the Middle Ages we were burnt on the stake, in the current age, we suffer in silence in psychiatric institutions, which we can never really leave, even if ‘officially’ discharged, because of the diagnosis. It follows you everywhere, in our corrupted Western hemisphere, like a rat that never received any love. I, obviously, removed the label from my own head, but it is still somewhere, in the notes of the deluded psychiatrists. I used to collect their notes, reading what they wrote about me. I stopped at some point and started to write my own notes, my own story. I have a book I almost finished writing by now, and share my notes on my website. I experience my ‘psychosis’ with some pride, you see.

Still, even if the diagnosis is removed by oneself, and of course, you are allowed to do it (why not? Did they show you any physical test, showing that you are ill?), one needs to be extra careful. One is always vulnerable after ending up at some point in psychiatry. For myself, I do take some medication (I can’t afford to stop it, where I am now), I make sure I sleep, I try to follow some routine. Routine is important as it keeps one grounded, when the head has the tendency to fly in the oasis of magical thinking. I try to walk, and listen to birds, I eat well, I indulge in a nice cup of coffee, in a nice glass of red sweet wine on some evenings. Vaping instead of smoking also helps me. I listen to nice music, mostly to either Taylor Swift or Robbie Williams, I cook meals for my son, I love my work when I teach. I continue to write.

I live.

Originally published on Mad in America, here is the link to the original article:

When I met Robbie Williams

The story began when Robbie Williams left a comment under my own comment under one of his songs on Youtube. If you forgot to listen to the guy recently, I strongly recommend to correct this grave mistake and listen to him right now. His voice is amazing: soothing and calming – it helps me to deal with Covid.

So, I commented under one of his songs, and he commented back, which was frankly amazing. Really unbelievable, especially that he wished me the best for this coming New Year and ended up saying that he loves me. I answered that I love him back, which is absolute truth, as I love Robbie Williams with all my heart. I discovered him during my first ‘psychosis’ in a psychiatric hospital in Amsterdam – he was singing then to me via the TV, and I remember telling myself: ‘Thanks God, there is this kind of music’. It helped me, honestly, to deal with subsequent psychoses and especially with the psychiatry, as his words from ‘Feel’ when he sings ‘my head speaks a language I don’t understand’ is precisely what I often reply to the stupid questions of the psychiatrists. Yes, I hear voices, and it’s a voice of God.

We exchanged then messages, he started to write to me via my Facebook profile. I would think it was a scam, if he offered me money. But thanks god, he didn’t, but he offered me friendship – exactly what I need. Who wouldn’t want to become a friend with Robbie Williams??? Show me this person!

His language capacities are amazing, he can write well. Of course, it’s Robbie Williams, and I replied to him also in my best English, and added that I also speak Russian, French, and Dutch, all fluently. The conversation continued until he ended up offering me a job as his interpreter, when he needs one, and I replied that it was really needed, because he, quite obviously, thinks that all Russians are boring and that we party like an oligarch, but I hasted to reassure him that I am definitely NOT boring, just slightly insane and that I hate the oligarchs and what they stand for, and I do know how to party. My best gay friend back in Moscow will show you how to party – I wrote to Robbie Williams and he replied with a big ‘LOL’ back.

The story progressed towards the contract. I needed to sign some papers of disclosure which I reassured him I would do, provided I could occasionally write also about Robbie Williams as a writer, because his own personal writer is definitely boring, and I can do it much better.

I didn’t ask about the payment because I am ready to work for Robbie for free, just give me his friendship, and thank you very much, I do have already an excellent job at a university where I am paid good money for good work. Still, I asked for 100 pounds an hour, because I value my time and if I am an interpreter, then it’s a job too, since I have a diploma as an interpreter, and also two masters degrees and a PhD. My French is at a native level and so is my English. I speak with a nice accent, because I like them, the accents, and I love languages in general, and in English language I hear Robbie Williams, the color orange and if I can assign an animal to this language, – it will be a cat. Previously, I thought it was a Monkey.

So, he offered me a job but then the most disturbing thing happened. My psychiatrist called me delusional when I said that I had gotten a job offer from Robbie Williams. There was a suspicion of the beginning of another psychosis (my divine state of mind) and suggestion of an increase of my dose of medication.

‘’No,’’ I said! ‘’Here is the proof!’’ And I would show to my doctor the exchange of messages and our jokes, and the psychiatrist laughed and told me it was all a hoax, but I laughed back into his face.

So, you might wonder how the story progressed? I don’t know yet, but I think I will leave another comment under his song and wait for another reply.

And so, it goes.

Modern Holy Fool (Holy-Foolishness in Russian Culture: Part Three)

The image of a Holy Fool (read about who is Holy Fool here and here) found its new popularity following the collapse of the Soviet Union. One of the main reasons is, of course, the recognition of Russian Orthodox Christianity as the official religion, but also the collapse of the beliefs of the socialist regime, when the country as a whole found herself in a momentary chaos, becoming, one can argue, a prototype for holy foolishness as a search for meaning.
The holy fool found a renewed interest in Christian studies, but also in academia. However, it is in the popular forms of media, such as films and even music that the holy-fool found a new ‘fame’, he came back to be yet again a spiritual hero, but he also acquired a new angle, the one of controversy in terms of his ‘madness’. What does lie behind his madness? And can we call someone mad, individually speaking, when the whole society can be considered as mad, especially if we look at what was happening in Russia since the late eighties of the last century? The old regime collapsed, reversing the ideology of communism to the ideology of capitalism in a matter of a couple of years. Old government structures were sold as vouchers to the Russian population, to be immediately bought back by those running these companies for a penny, because the population was suddenly starving, making them oligarchs. Shops got empty, there was shortage of food and clothes, and a total disarray in terms of a spiritual direction of the nation. While Russian Orthodox churches were emerging from their oblivion, Tarot readers and palm readers would sit in their proximity and promise the passers-by some hope for a better life. Hypnotist Kashpirovsky got a prime spot on the TV to hypnotize an entire nation, feeding tales from the national TV in 1989.
It was absolute and total madness, and it found its way into popular art, where painters, artists, and film-makers, would resort to the character of a holy fool to make sense of something which didn’t make any sense.
Russia is often referred to by Russians themselves as a country of fools, and the changes that the country witnessed since the collapse of the Soviet Union, could be delegated firmly in the domain of total madness, where the only way to show the light at the end of the tunnel, was to resort to laughter and the grotesque, as a way to manage the deep spiritual malaise. As Heller and Volkova ask, in relation to the fascination of Russian culture with holy-foolishness: “A question arises: is there something deep inside the Russian mentality that correlates with the state of insanity?” (Heller & Volkova, 2003, p. 153) Some changes that Russia has seen since the collapse of the Soviet Union left many Russians at a loss, where they were asked to adjust to a new ideology, new beliefs and new rules, and the popular art showed us the difficulty of the transition, by resorting to holy-foolishness and the character of a holy-fool in order to negotiate the incomprehension and deep spiritual uncertainty that the country and her people experienced then.
During the years of Perestroika, the image of holy-fool became the one of a dissident, adopting the weird behaviour of holy-fool to show the plight of many individuals who struggled to adapt to the changes in Russia on an economic and political levels. We can see this theme clearly in Taxi-Blues by Pavel Lungin, a film which was released in 1990, and which portrays us the reality of Russia at that time.
The film focusses on the life of two protagonists, a taxi-driver, Shlykov, and Lyosha (played by Pyotr Mamonov), a saxophonist. They meet on a ride in a taxi, when Shlykov takes Lyosha and his friends as passengers, but Lyosha doesn’t pay for the ride, after which Shlykov manages to track him down. Both characters then develop a truly bizarre friendship, which becomes a main story on the background of the madness of the country then.
The madness of that time starts from the beginning of the movie. The hypnotist Kashpirovsky greets us on the screen, by delivering his slogan promise: ‘Everything will be calm’. It immediately shows us the absurdity of that times, when ordinary people couldn’t find work, when hard-core communists quickly established their new capitalistic businesses, and when, in the ultimate feat of total absurdity, Mikhail Gorbatchev abolished alcohol, driving many Russians to either create a black market, or resort to the home production of alcohol. Kashpirovsky was put on the national TV in order to try to calm the nation down.
The lives of the two main characters show us how ordinary people managed life at that time. Thus, Shlykov, as it appears, adapted better to the new changes, by working hard as a taxi-driver. He has a room in an apartment, a girlfriend, can afford nice food, and from exterior it looks like a good life. Only by watching the narrative do we discover that he is not really happy in himself, that he doesn’t have many friends, that he struggles to find the spiritual meaning in life. And the aim of the film is also to show that all those who just continued hard-work couldn’t dream of acquiring the same richness that nouveu riches managed to accumulate. Hard-work and integrity were all the values that became suddenly obsolete, not cool and not needed.
On the other side of the spectrum, Lyosha, the saxophonist by profession, refused to adjust. He just goes with the flow. Despite the fact that saxophonists are nor longer needed and struggle to find any employment, Lyosha refuses to change anything, and gets by, by either singing on the streets, or by pure luck, such as meeting Shlykov in a difficult moment in his life and being helped by him. And while Shlykov helps Lyosha on a material level, Lyosha gives Shlykov a new spiritual meaning, found in laughter, unpredictability, and love of grotesque. Lyosha reminds Shlykov to sometimes let go, do something unexpected, believe in the fate.
The character of Lyosha, played by Pyotr Mamonov is often compared to that of a holy fool, but transformed into a modern version of it. We can disagree, however, with that meaning, because while during the whole narrative, Lyosha does exhibit all the characteristics of a holy fool, he fails in the end of the movie to fulfil the ultimate obligation of giving. Lyosha meets a famous American saxophonist at some point, and gets an opportunity to perform in the United States, which re-launches his musical career. Shlykov watches the newly found fame of his friend from a distance, and is desperate to see Lyosha again. He misses the playfulness and cheerfulness of his friend, and he doesn’t understand why Lyosha fails to come and see him when he is back in Moscow. Eventually when Lyosha comes to see him, he brings with him a band of new friends and absurd presents, such as a big doll. We can see that he breaks the heart of Shlykov and lets his old friend down.
But while one can argue whether Lyosha can be compared to the character of a holy-fool, it is the narrative itself that is representative of holy-foolishness positioned at the fall of the Soviet Union. The film shows us how the modern world changed to the worst, where the goodness of character, kindness and empathy are replaced by greediness, strive for material goods, and desire to become famous. It is the story itself that leads us to ask the eternal spiritual questions: but what is the meaning of life if one is lost completely in the material side of it? Should we remain humble even if we get further in life, and still remember those who helped us at the most difficult part of our journey? Shouldn’t we cherish friendship and simple things in life, such as sharing warm soup with friends, laugh even when life is difficult, appreciate people rather than goods?
It is in his next movie, The Island that Lungin returns to the question of deep spiritual meaning. The Island appeared in 2006, quite a few years later after Taxi-Blues. In it we see a story of a modern fictional Russian orthodox monk, played yet again by Pyotr Mamonov.
It starts during the second world war, when sailor Anatoly and his captain, Tikhon are ambushed by the Germans, somewhere at the shore of the white sea. As a grotesque joke, the Germans present Anatoly with a choice: either to shoot Tikhon and live, or die. Anatoly shoots Tikhon after which the Germans blow up the ship.
Anatoly survives and is rescued by the monks from a local monastery, where he stays. It is many years later that the new life of Anatoly is presented to us. He works as a stoker at the monastery and acts as a local ‘wise’ man. It is to him that ordinary people come for advice, prayer and also in order to heal.
The parallels with the holy-fool are much more striking in The Island. Anatoly is a deeply spiritual man, who constantly prays to God. He has a gift of a prophet and of a healer. He sees the future and can predict it. He gives wise advice. At the same time, his behaviour is extremely weird. He rarely washes his face, makes fun of the monks, is always late for the Church services, where he shows up in a truly bizarre attire, one day marching with one foot in a boot, another dressed in a sock.
But while watching the character, we can’t help but fall in love with him and his way of thinking and doing. His faith in God is so beautiful and sincere, that the viewer hopes that he will be forgiven for his ultimate sin. And we are relieved indeed when right before his death (that Anatoly foresees himself several days in advance, by organising his own coffin), we learn that Tikhon had survived. He brings his daughter to see the remote monk due to rumours of his healing gift, and meets Anatoly. Anatoly reassures Tikhon that his daughter is not mad but is possessed by a demon, preforms exorcise, after which she is healed. After that Anatoly tells Tikhon who he is, but Tikhon tells him that he was only wounded in the arm, and that he had forgiven him.
The movie, while basing the character of Anatoly on holy-fool, presents us a different façade of holy-foolishness than the one we have seen in ‘Taxi-Blues’. It reaches a deeper spiritual meaning where we are confronted with the true meaning of holy-foolishness: one has to have faith in God and Jesus, and then and only then, one can become a holy-fool, while renouncing also worldly conventions and material aspects of things. It also shows us Russia as it changed in the years after the turmoil of the uncertainty following the collapse of the Soviet Union. It became quieter in its own spiritual search, firmly embracing Christianity, and by going back to its roots preceding the revolution. The country might still experience turmoil at a political level, but spiritually, it found a new meaning.

Holy Fool in Russian literature and art (Holy-Foolishness in Russian culture: part two)

The Holy Fool, to remind you (please, refer to part one), was a person who became mad for the sake of Christ. It was a well-known, recognized phenomenon in the old Russia. It was a man or a woman who would often wander the streets of old Rus and remind people to live their lives based in Christian values. They would often appear as ‘mad’, as ‘insane’, but several of these Holy Fools were recognized by the Russian Orthodox Church as saints, with one of the most famous Holy Fool being Saint Vasilii the Blessed. It was after him that the most famous Russian Cathedral, the Cathedral of Saint Vasilii The Blessed (Saint Basil) was named.

From the beginning the character of the Holy Fool has fascinated Russian writers and we can find this personage in several writing and also paintings. Behind it, is the interest in the unexplainable, in the grotesque, in the spiritual domain, but where things always remain mysterious. It is the fascination with unpredictability, as long as good outweighs the evil, Russian people have been driven to explore the human soul, and the human misery, throughout the history, which can be seen in literature and art.

For example, Nikolai Leskov (1831-95), based his character in ‘Deathless Golovan’ on holy-fool, where the main protagonist is a simple man who takes care of those affected by a plague, despite danger for his own health. He also gives milk to a Jewish man, stupefying his neighbours. In his other writing, ‘Singlethought’ (1879), the main character, a police officer based in a provincial town, becomes slightly ‘mad’ after reading scriptures of the Bible. The reading has such a profound impact on him, that he starts to behave strangely, such as refusing bribes and gifts at his job, as was the custom then. The story highlighted the corruption of the power at that time, but also raised the more important spiritual questions. Who is really a fool here? A simple man who refuses to be corrupted, or the society as such, driven by corruption? And shouldn’t we rather abide by Christian, moral values in our daily life? As in holy-foolishness, the story also contains many grotesque, ‘hilarious’ moments, such as then Ryzhov, the main character, forces the mean Governor of the town to bow in front of the icons in the Church.

Other Russian writers explored the theme of ‘holy-foolishness’ either basing their character directly on holy-fool, or by building a story around the theme of holy-foolishness, where madness always takes on an additional meaning. It is never an ‘illness’, but something deeper, a battle of one’s soul, where the hero, while being ‘mad’, is more connected with God and spiritual aspects of life, than the laypeople, preoccupied with the material sides of things. Gorki explored the theme in ‘A Confession’, Chekov built his short story ‘Ward No. 6’ around holy-foolishness, where both protagonists, a long-time staying psychiatric inmate and his treating psychiatrist share remarkable traits with holy-fools, but also Bulgakov, it can be argued, based his ‘Master and Margarita’ on the motifs of holy-foolishness. The main character, the master, who ends up disillusioned by this world, is a modern ‘holy fool’, but unlike in the Moscovite Rus, he has problems to adjust and adapt to the requirements of the modern world, which in the Soviet Union, was characterised by omnipresent bureaucracy, corruption, ridiculous rules, and greediness, despite the fact that one of the slogans of the socialist regime was an equal society. The story of the Master runs in parallel with the story of Yeshua Ha-Notsri (Jesus of Nazareth), and some obvious conclusions can be drawn from the novel. There is a deep spiritual need nascent in all humanity, but it is often compromised by scepticism and inability to think outside the box, because of being under too much influence of materialistic world. Many ridiculous, hilarious scenes in the Soviet Moscow of Bulgakov draw a direct parallel with the weirdness and ‘laughter’ of holy-fools.

The image of Holy Fool can be also encountered in numerous paintings, where painters depicted the fascination and also certain reverence towards the character. He can be seen on numerous paintings of Nesterov, and also Syrikov, showing his firm place among laypeople, and not just being a character of Christian writings.

For a Russian culture, the holy fool has a deep meaning. It shows the possibilities of a spiritual domain, reinforces one’s faith, and reassures one that good will always outweigh the evil. Thus, the character of Holy Fool is deeply embedded in Russian culture and tradition.

A God’s Fool Sitting on the Snow, by Vasily Surikov, 1885)

What is Normal?

I already discussed the normality as the most boring tale in my other post, but I want to go back to the discussion again. I think, it is a syndrome, a syndrome of normality that we should talk about now.

Let’s define it again.

The state of normality nowadays is presented to us as a state where we don’t ask many questions. We are not really curious about the state of the world, characterised by extreme inequality, where rich are getting richer, poor poorer, and where we have wars amongst religions, hunger, depletion of natural resources, and more. A failure to reflect on it, and not being worried – is sign for me of ‘mental illness’, not the other way around.

The state of normality is sold to us as a state where kindness is no longer a virtue but strive for statuses and wealth is, it is a state where we are living in constant consumption, get quick fixes via apps and the likes, and where reality tv is presented to us as something nice to watch. It’s a state when we like reading the celebrity stories, and read about dirt found on celebrities in some press. If it is normal to enjoy it, then excuse me, I am out of this tale, a tale of the ‘normality’.

A state of normality is a state when we still have religions, but we freak out when we see the proof of God, and or when someone tells us that the person talks with God. Apparently, it is possible to see the signs of God and not feel euphoria from it- how it is done, well, just visit the self-help section in the bookshop, and have a look. It is sold to us now, the spirituality, but those very few who experience it in real life, the state of connection to God, the spiritual enlightenment – are usually diagnosed with ‘mental illness’, like I was.

The normality becomes a syndrome when we just take days as it comes without reflection, without critical thinking, and questions about meaning of life. It is a syndrome when we consume the next celebrity story, next to devasting news about refugees, and just get on with our daily tasks, saying to ourselves: ‘I shouldn’t be too concerned about the misery of others.’ It is a syndrome when we think only about the next thing to buy, a new fancy car to purchase, or have sex via an app. It is a state where we simply stop thinking, thinking about a bigger picture. The earth is a global responsibility, but we tend to be responsible only for our little bubble of a comfortable world: where we are encouraged to buy, to buy more, and even more when people on the other side of the planet are starving.

The syndrome of normality is looking for a partner with money, instead of real love. It’s a state where deep friendships no longer matter, because of the competitive spirit of our world in the West. It is a state when we sell our souls for money, and let’s be frank here: it is all about money nowadays, the icon that replaced God in our current state of ‘normality’’. It is when we judge others who are different, and stigmatise them online. It’s a state where we are allowed to be mean to each other, and where we don’t even know our neighbours’ names.

I exited this tale a long time ago, I try to lead a different life. I don’t watch any TV, but occasional good movies. I read books and I read philosophical books too. I search for love, not a partner. I build amazing, beautiful friendships for life. My best friend is my friend for 37 years now, and I have real friends around the world.

I try to cook simple meals, but I am still affected by consumption, it is impossible to escape it entirely today. I like good face creams that are expensive, but on the other hand, I love my job where I earn good money. I worked hard to be where I am now, on a material level, but I also share.

I listen to good music and I read the news. I don’t read the celebrities stories, but I do cry often when I read about starving children, the refugees and racial or other injustice. I often think about our world and how we should take better care of our planet earth. I reflect.

But I am not ‘normal’. I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.