Madness and falling in love in Amsterdam

I wouldn’t ask this sort of questions about madness if I wasn’t confronted with the debate first hand so to speak. Doctors call most of my experiences as delusions, but I strongly disagree. There is always a chance that the entire population might be delusional, and it is the mad who see the truth. But I should keep some humility, for now, and go back when it all started.

It all began when I met Amydien, two months before that rainy day in November when I was blessed with psychosis for the first time. And I say, blessed, because without my psychosis, I wouldn’t be where I am now, knowing finally who I am, and being able to enjoy magic while managing to have some sort of life in a practical sense. It appears (contrary to what the psychiatrists try to say) that you can have a successful life after psychosis, and you even can have several psychoses and still get a PhD, build a career, create a family, and attend a gym (all this happened to me). But we will come back to psychiatry and their definitions in due term. They don’t understand the psychosis.

And so, I was sitting in the lobby of MoneyCare during my lunch break, staring out of the window and dying from boredom. Despite respite that a lunch should provide, I was experiencing absolute futility of life. Maybe I was simply depressed by that time or maybe I was just very tired, as a job in finances is not something one can feel over-cheerful about.

While I was looking out of the window, I saw Him for the first time.  I would usually ignore anyone approaching the building since all workers had an electronic key and all offices had a receptionist, but something attracted me in the stance of the figure walking towards the building. He was limping and looked rather old and the whole posture suggested that this person was tired of life and didn’t even like being there.

I shouldn’t be surprised by this attitude because well, he was in the neighborhood of the office buildings where hardly anyone was enjoying life but I was struck by the sincerity of his fatigue. This was definitely someone who didn’t care what others thought and wasn’t trying to pretend to be otherwise – a happy corporate worker getting a high salary at the end of the month and feeling miserable while not really getting as to why.

Of course, he wasn’t a corporate worker and the reason of his tiredness had nothing to do with working in the office from nine to five for five days a week, but I didn’t know it.  At that time, I was more down to earth in respect to my attitude to life. I thought that one had to go to the gym, perform well at work and socialise very little in order to succeed. I did believe in magic but since there was nothing to confirm that it could exist, I was living as if there was none.

And so, attracted by something in the figure approaching I lingered in the lobby for slightly longer, trying to see whether he had the key which would mean that he was working somewhere in the building and I was curious about who he was.

Once he reached the door, he made a gesture with his hand asking me to open it for him. I felt slightly embarrassed since I was near the stairs, more or less hiding, not wanting that he sees me and senses that I had some interest in his persona. I was surprised that he looked straight at me when he was near the door as if he knew very well that I was there. Now, looking back, I realise that, of course, he knew that I was there since it was at that point that he decided to make an appearance in my life.

I approached the doors so that they could open and precipitated towards the stairs once I saw him entering and not paying attention to what he was saying, probably something in the line of thanking me. But instead of continuing my exit from the lobby, for some reason, I turned and feeling that I was flushing asked him to repeat what he had just said. I still don’t understand why I did this, but my suspicion is that at that the time the decision was made, and that we were simply supposed to meet each other.

He approached me briskly and looking straight into my eyes, said:

“Thank you very much, I don’t have the key.”

I found myself glaring at him with an open mouth. For a start, there was nothing left from an old limping man. In front of me, was a relatively young persona, with a strange vibrating energy around and to which I was more than attracted. And then, his eyes were literally magnetic and once they clicked with mine, I knew that it was the point of no return.

One can simply assume that at moment I simply fell in love. Yes, I did, but there was more to it than what I usually experience when I am in love with someone. Usually it is a good, warming feeling, a feeling of anticipation when you know with certainty that you will have a good time.

With Amydien it was the feeling of fear and despair, as if I knew on a subconscious level that after this encounter there was no coming back to my old life. It was a feeling of absolute possession, as if that man laid some kind of curse on me, claimed me for his kingdom.

And since I had no reasons to suspect who he could have been an unusual person, I came back to my desk in the state of haze. I was even shaking from realisation that from now on my existence would solely evolve around that man, in trying to meet him again, to get the same feeling when I had looked into his eyes – the feeling that I belonged there.

SAM_0028

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